THE ONLY ADVICE YOU WELL EVER NEED

All gentlemen wonder at one point in their lives how the infuriating female mind operates. The Horny Wordsmith has been studying women (at a safe range) and can now declare that he has developed an operating thesis that will land every male thick and thin his very own Suzy Poon Tang.

The enlightened (friends of the Horny Wordsmith) know this theory as the Tension Theory, and it will save the would-be fool from becoming the “nice guy,” “best friend,” “great-listener” or such other embarrassing yet all to common frustrating circumstances many men experience at one point or another. Do not mistake, I have had many fulfilling friendships with women, but let us face the truth. At some point friendship is insufficient, and we need to satisfy our base desires.

So with an eye towards helping humankind fulfill every erotic desire, the man must let loose his preconceived notions of pleasantry and chivalry and accept that one must be somewhat of a “dick” in the wooing of a female. I do not propose being an all out knave, but we must all walk a careful line between villainy and honor if a woman is to be had. This theory works no matter what is the goal, whether the male is looking for meaningless physical encounter, or a significant long term relationship. In fact, it may surprise some of our female readers that the Horny Wordsmith has been involved with the same woman for a number of years now.

The foundation of this theory is simple: a female’s natural inclination when she first encounters a male is to put up a series of safeguards to protect her physical and especially emotional well-being. Most romantic pursuits occur in contexts where the subtext is wholly focused on consummating in some sexual behavior. Clearly, for every location one could name I am certain that a successful pick-up has occurred there: a bar, a concert, a party, a library, a comic book convention, a dentist’s office, a bus station or a county jail. Thus, at all times a woman is at least considering sub-consciously that the man she is confronted with wants to have sex with her. AMC’s Mad Men illustrates this point perfectly.

In response to this precarious state of affairs women develop protections against us. These safeguards come in the form of immediate judgments about the male. Women form a first impression, and if that first impression is that the man is threatening, he is finished. If that impression is that the male is not at all threatening, he is also finished (see below). Thus, the key is to forestall a determination that man is either a threat or not, and the means to do that is to prevent a first impression from forming so as to prolong the pursuit to the moment of success.

To understand how this task is accomplished we must consider what sort of behavior makes a man threatening and what sort of behavior is completely innocuous. The man who fails because he is too threatening usually leaves the female with no doubt that he is there for intimacy, romance or sex. Typical patterns include nonsense pick-up lines, obvious attempts to be cool, or pure, abject douche-baggery. In communicating so clearly the terms of the encounter, the situation quickly becomes creepy or awkward, and the woman is either way made uncomfortable, and failure is guaranteed.

On the other hand, one who establishes no threat is also doomed to fail. This is a situation that fully lacks sexuality, and may be accompanied by bumbling, nervousness, and an indifference to the cues presented by the woman. Many of you know this individual as the friender. The friender has allowed himself to become a friend and not a lover in part because he allowed the interaction to continue devoid of any sexual energy.

Males operating at both of these extremes assume a complete falsehood, that no matter what they do, if the girl likes them the situation will end in their favor. The Horny Wordsmith wants to assure these fellows that 5% of the population can operate under this assumption, and the rest of us, Horny Wordsmith included, must make an effort if we are to succeed.

That something is tension. This Tension I speak of is not the sort of conflict one may associate with uncomfortable and unpleasant conflict. Tension as used here is a term that describes the acts necessary to prevent a woman from forming the initial impression. It is a mix of charming flirtation, subtle sexuality and teasing. The key, the absolute crux of this approach is to keep the lady guessing as to the motives of the male until the male starts to escalate the encounter towards some type of sexual collaboration.

Unfortunately, the Horny Wordsmith cannot give hard and fast guidelines to achieving the tension. The focus is not on a formula, but on training one’s instincts to recognize the cues displayed by the female while moving the situation along towards the ultimate goal. The tension is certainly not the making of a rude or offensive statement. It is a judgment based on all the circumstances as to what is appropriate flirtation to maintain the tension. Do not be disheartened, as some develop these skills earlier in their skirt-lifting careers than others.

As the Evil Dreamer Pub proceeds, the Horny Wordsmith looks forward to discussing this theory further. The Evil Dreamer permits a comment suggestion where you readers are encouraged to engage in discussion of this theory. From time to time I shall respond to the criticisms of the theory, in which I promise to prove my critics wrong.