ON THE SCOURGE OF OUR SOCIETY

I am dismayed of late. A group functions amongst us without receiving the persecution at our hands to which they are do. This class represents the worst sort of knaves, villains and deceivers. This group, of course, is actors.

Actors, dramatists, thespians, players or performers may delight us with their trade, but they have historically held one the lowest positions in society. These scoundrels have benefited from the ascendance of Hollywood, and have convinced the rest of the populous they contribute more to our society than the facts bear out.

There is, of course, the well known fact that it is almost unbearable to be in the presence of those who fashion themselves actors. The actors believe they have reached some level of higher existence that we non-actors could not possibly comprehend. Yet these actors know little more than the gypsy beggar in the street. Despite this harsh reality which they actor has carefully avoided recognizing, the actor looks at his fellow man as lacking insight. The actor speaks to others with the utmost condescension, and cannot help but laugh, sneer or mock another who is infinitely more deserving of respect than the actor is prepared to admit.

Perhaps the more frustrating fact is that there is a class within the class of actors that deserve praise. I am not know prepared to say what percentage of the overall group this represents, but this percentage is certainly miniscule. The majority uses the achievements of the few to establish their significance within the culture. We must take steps to halt this dangerous current.

Furthermore, unlike any other profession that requires some modicum of training and examination to receive a credential, any oaf or lay-about may call themselves an actor. Our society is so accustomed to actors not working as actors, that we accept someone as being an actor despite the possibility the individual in question has not acted in the artistic sense in a long time, or perhaps never acted at all. All I ask is that the actor admit he is not really an actor, but is ordinary, and accept that he or she is a waiter, hair-dresser, cab driver, house keeper, baby sitter or garbage collector.

I also marvel at how often most of these supposed actors actually do not act. I have often found that stage actors are under the misapprehension that acting is merely projecting ones voice while speaking lines in a rhythm. Instead of emoting, they plead with each other on the stage. The actor claims they inhabit a role, get to the core of the character or unlock the key to this or that character’s motivation. Putting aside the fact that these phrases are meaningless claptrap, most actors do no such thing. Seldom does one encounter an actor who is adept enough to truly understand human interaction.

I was once heard of an interesting discussion between several young ladies, where it was determined amongst them that if they were to meet a man who fancied himself an actor, such declaration would be a “deal breaker” in the modern parlance, and such a male would be deemed undesirable. I am of a similar opinion when it comes to actresses, but as a man I will admit that many of the slender ones are physically appealing.

YOU ARE WELCOME FOR MY EXISTENCE

As the sign above indicates, this is The Evil Dreamer Pub, and it is my hope you have already indulged in the absolute brilliance of the initial explication below of the now world-famous Tension Theory. Without any delay, let us continue with an explanation:

I place human personalities into one of two over-arching categories, the schemer and the dreamer. I must ask you not to associate good or bad or positive or negative with those terms.

The schemer is familiar and many readers probably fall into this category. They are focused on the present with its difficulties and challenges. They develop a plan or scheme, an attempt to map out some number of steps they would have to conquer in order to accomplish a major goal. They can conceive of at least some of the risks associated with any given choice.

On the other hand there is the dreamer. A person in this category allows their mind to dwell on the abstractions of a situation rather than the concrete steps that the person has to take to move ahead successfully. They look to some theory they develop about the meaning of people’s behavior that has no practical effect on resolving a particular problem. They let themselves be distracted by optimistic or pessimistic glosses of situations that have little or no basis in reality, and ignore information that conflicts with their fantastical conclusions. They ignore practical meanings behind another person’s behavior like motive, bias and self-interest (which are not necessarily negative), in favor far-fetched theories.

What if, peradventure, one could scheme and dream at the same time? What if someone, perhaps with the aid of a computer and the internet could take dreamer like theories that have some application? What if a person, like you in fact, could go to a website and read the brilliant, enlightening, hilarious, entertaining and sometimes frightening musings of a genius who schemes when he is not dreaming, and dreams when he is not scheming. I have heard your yearning for knowledge and I now lift the vale that has previously cloaked the mind of an EVIL DREAMER.

THE ONLY ADVICE YOU WELL EVER NEED

All gentlemen wonder at one point in their lives how the infuriating female mind operates. The Horny Wordsmith has been studying women (at a safe range) and can now declare that he has developed an operating thesis that will land every male thick and thin his very own Suzy Poon Tang.

The enlightened (friends of the Horny Wordsmith) know this theory as the Tension Theory, and it will save the would-be fool from becoming the “nice guy,” “best friend,” “great-listener” or such other embarrassing yet all to common frustrating circumstances many men experience at one point or another. Do not mistake, I have had many fulfilling friendships with women, but let us face the truth. At some point friendship is insufficient, and we need to satisfy our base desires.

So with an eye towards helping humankind fulfill every erotic desire, the man must let loose his preconceived notions of pleasantry and chivalry and accept that one must be somewhat of a “dick” in the wooing of a female. I do not propose being an all out knave, but we must all walk a careful line between villainy and honor if a woman is to be had. This theory works no matter what is the goal, whether the male is looking for meaningless physical encounter, or a significant long term relationship. In fact, it may surprise some of our female readers that the Horny Wordsmith has been involved with the same woman for a number of years now.

The foundation of this theory is simple: a female’s natural inclination when she first encounters a male is to put up a series of safeguards to protect her physical and especially emotional well-being. Most romantic pursuits occur in contexts where the subtext is wholly focused on consummating in some sexual behavior. Clearly, for every location one could name I am certain that a successful pick-up has occurred there: a bar, a concert, a party, a library, a comic book convention, a dentist’s office, a bus station or a county jail. Thus, at all times a woman is at least considering sub-consciously that the man she is confronted with wants to have sex with her. AMC’s Mad Men illustrates this point perfectly.

In response to this precarious state of affairs women develop protections against us. These safeguards come in the form of immediate judgments about the male. Women form a first impression, and if that first impression is that the man is threatening, he is finished. If that impression is that the male is not at all threatening, he is also finished (see below). Thus, the key is to forestall a determination that man is either a threat or not, and the means to do that is to prevent a first impression from forming so as to prolong the pursuit to the moment of success.

To understand how this task is accomplished we must consider what sort of behavior makes a man threatening and what sort of behavior is completely innocuous. The man who fails because he is too threatening usually leaves the female with no doubt that he is there for intimacy, romance or sex. Typical patterns include nonsense pick-up lines, obvious attempts to be cool, or pure, abject douche-baggery. In communicating so clearly the terms of the encounter, the situation quickly becomes creepy or awkward, and the woman is either way made uncomfortable, and failure is guaranteed.

On the other hand, one who establishes no threat is also doomed to fail. This is a situation that fully lacks sexuality, and may be accompanied by bumbling, nervousness, and an indifference to the cues presented by the woman. Many of you know this individual as the friender. The friender has allowed himself to become a friend and not a lover in part because he allowed the interaction to continue devoid of any sexual energy.

Males operating at both of these extremes assume a complete falsehood, that no matter what they do, if the girl likes them the situation will end in their favor. The Horny Wordsmith wants to assure these fellows that 5% of the population can operate under this assumption, and the rest of us, Horny Wordsmith included, must make an effort if we are to succeed.

That something is tension. This Tension I speak of is not the sort of conflict one may associate with uncomfortable and unpleasant conflict. Tension as used here is a term that describes the acts necessary to prevent a woman from forming the initial impression. It is a mix of charming flirtation, subtle sexuality and teasing. The key, the absolute crux of this approach is to keep the lady guessing as to the motives of the male until the male starts to escalate the encounter towards some type of sexual collaboration.

Unfortunately, the Horny Wordsmith cannot give hard and fast guidelines to achieving the tension. The focus is not on a formula, but on training one’s instincts to recognize the cues displayed by the female while moving the situation along towards the ultimate goal. The tension is certainly not the making of a rude or offensive statement. It is a judgment based on all the circumstances as to what is appropriate flirtation to maintain the tension. Do not be disheartened, as some develop these skills earlier in their skirt-lifting careers than others.

As the Evil Dreamer Pub proceeds, the Horny Wordsmith looks forward to discussing this theory further. The Evil Dreamer permits a comment suggestion where you readers are encouraged to engage in discussion of this theory. From time to time I shall respond to the criticisms of the theory, in which I promise to prove my critics wrong.